Losses as passages to something new, wider, deeper..

“.....every time there are losses there are choices to be made. You choose to live your losses as passages to anger, blame, hatred, depression and resentment, or you choose to let these losses be passages to something new, something wider, and deeper”

Henri Nouwen quote

I am realizing that when someone dies, or when you break up with someone, there are definitely two ways of looking at it. You can either enter into a place of depression, like Henri Nouwen says in the quote above where you also have anger, blame, hatred, resentment, etc. OR you can see these losses as passages to something new, wider and deeper. I have definitely experienced all of this first hand. Through the loss of my father, I have experienced more pain and even slight experiences of depression, than I have through any other experience. The way I see it- is I was so innocent and naive, and had never really experienced anything very difficult at all. I was still a child, up until two years ago, when I had to watch my dad die in such a painful and slow way. I had those images just stuck in my brain for the longest time. Finally, I can look past those last days, and the way he looked all shriveled up, to the times where he was healthy and happy.

I don't know how I removed those negative images, and replaced them with the positive ones. I can only say it was a miracle of God. He probably saw how they were not allowing me to move onward. This is where I can now talk about moving onto something new, wider and deeper. When I think about my dad now, I can imagine him in Heaven. I can see him as his youthful self. The man I didn't ever really know- because I didn't really get to know him until he was into his 40s (that's when I was old enough to converse with him, etc.-when I was 10 and up). I only have pictures of him in his early 20s- his prime! He was a handsome man, and very adventurous. He loved to go white water rafting and set up camping trips with his single's group at church to go do this! He was actually quite popular in that group, and the goofy funny guy. I had glimpses of his goofy/funny side every so often. But, not all the time. He turned quite serious. Many guys I dated were pretty scared of him, I think. Haha.. But anyways, I like to remember him for the fun side, and imagine what it would've been like to be friends with him when he was in his 20s. I'm sure we would've been good friends! I have some friends now, who remind me of him. I don't really want to point these people out- that might creep them out. But, it is nice that God gives you friendly reminders of certain people you miss through OTHER people. Isn't that kind of weird? Just the comforts and the essence of certain characteristics you really value in a person. I'm sure other people can relate to this feeling.

Anyways, I think God has definitely blessed me in allowing there to be a new perspective on my Dad's death. He is young and carefree and having the best time right now! He's probably white water rafting right now! I'm sure you can do that- and whatever else makes you happy- up in Heaven!! ;) I'm not really sure..but I like to imagine it that way. Maybe just being in God's presence is all you need- you don't need all those fun activities. I'm not sure, really.

Another "newness" I've gained from this loss, is being able to see the world at finite. I know that most people see it this way, and I did too. But now, I see it even more so. I am able to embrace each day as though it were my last, truly, for the first time. This is why I totally jump on new experiences and opportunities to travel and go places, versus saving my money and sitting around. That might not be wise- to not plan for the future so much, but I also know that saving a bunch of money and then dying and never having gone anywhere would be really terribly sad. There has to be a happy balance.

P.S.-I know that I am not balanced. I need to slow down for sure, and just relax a bit more, and save a bit more. But, at the same time- I do not regret any of my choices up until now. I am planning on being responsible and saving money starting this summer! When I either: a) move back home with my mom, or b) move into Sally's mom's house= both will be free of rent! I haven't decided which to do, just yet..but I am thankful for both of these choices. I have been pretty irresponsible when it comes to planning/saving for the future, but I know God has taught me a lot about depending on Him to help me get to all these wonderful places- England, Scotland, France, Wales, Belize, California, Turkey, New York City, Wyoming (Yellowstone), Canada, Colorado and now Spain and China! I mean, seriously, how amazing is all of this? I heard it said one time by a neighbor- "you're investing in YOU!"

Well, I've gotta go. Reading to do for a book study for school. :) It's on classroom management and discipline. Those are my two difficulties right now in teaching..so, there's lots of room for improvement. At least it's a challenge- and much of it is about child psychology. I'm going to try to stay positive about this challenge I have, and grow from it, both personally and professionally. :)
Later~