I will probably be writing a lot about eternity in here, because that has been one of the things on my heart recently. Ever since my dad died, I just haven't had the same view of the world. I think what happened is as soon as my father was gone- I felt a piece of myself missing. My heart was truly broken and I experienced an immediate sting of pain. I don't know how else to describe this feeling. But, when people say they are broken, now I think I understand a little more what brokenness truly is. You just feel incomplete, and that something is missing. Your mom and dad are the two people who brought you into this world, so it makes sense that you would feel incomplete when one of them is gone. Half of a complete picture is missing. The two people who brought you up to be the person that you are today are now separated.
All the years of sacrifice and commitment to making sure you are looked after, cared and provided for are gone- and with those years of childhood, one of those integral people is gone. He cannot see the way he has impacted my life, and changed me forever for the better. I can say that if I hadn't had strong Christian, God-fearing parents, I might not have become a Christian- who really knows? I mean, I know and admit that they had a lot to do with it. I could have been born anywhere in the world, and to any two parents, but I was blessed to be born in America and have two incredibly giving and wonderful godly parents. When I say God-fearing, I should probably explain that more for those of you who do not know what that means. It's not so much being scared or afraid, but seeing how magnificent God is, and how all-powerful and awesome He is, and wanting to follow hard after Him, just because you are so in awe of His power.
Anyways, ever since I had this integral piece missing- my loving and self-sacrificing Father, I have just been grappling for something or someone to make me feel better, and complete that hole that is missing. I have even been so stupid as to think a silly husband would complete this area that is lacking. I miss that strong presence of a godly man in my life. A man who will provide for me and my family, and guide me spiritually. My dad always worried that he wasn't a strong enough spiritual leader for our family, that he didn't teach us enough or pray with us enough, but I know that just his strong faith emanated throughout our house and caused everyone to feel a sense of peace.
I don't think I ever felt scared, alone, or anxious once while growing up. I had never encountered the feeling of anxiety until a year after he died, when I moved into an apartment by myself. I had never lived alone, and suddenly, my grief hit me extremely hard. I felt more alone than I ever had in that upsurge of grief. I knew there would be waves of grief, ebbs and flows, but I had no idea how strong and powerful that feeling could be, and how all-consuming it could be. It knocked the air out of me, just like when you were a kid and you got knocked on the ground during a rough game of tag or something. I was a kid, just playing, and being free, and all of a sudden I got knocked on the ground, and it was hard to breathe for a moment. I have recently gotten back up on my feet, running around again, but I am still dealing with a lot of the loss. It has been two years, and I didn't think it would take this long.
Anyways, what has helped me to move over the hump of grief and onto a newness of life, is realizing that this life is so completely temporary, and we are never guaranteed a tomorrow. I realized that the feeling of being incomplete didn't come from missing my Dad necessarily, but from realizing how each of us is going to eventually die- and we all spend so much time worrying about such petty and trite things, and I just longed for something more. I have been coming to terms with the fact that this Earth is not really our home, it's a temporary home, and I think I always understood that with my head before, but didn't really feel it in my heart. Now that my Dad is missing from this Earth, and he is up in Heaven, I feel the intensity of the verse "He has set eternity in the hearts of men." My heart has been longing for the permanence of a Heavenly home, where all of my family will be, together forever. I'm not saying I want to die right now, I just realize that this world is full of pain and suffering, and I had never really experienced that before, and I realize my heart will never be fully content on this Earth. We are Eternal beings, made for something more. We can catch glimpses of Heaven here on Earth, and those are beautiful moments. Love is something God has given each of us, as a taste of the Eternal beauty in Heaven. I believe Love is Eternal, and that is an amazing thing. I am so thankful for the simple joys and beauties He gives us here on this Earth, to remind us of His very own Love, and that He will always take care of us.
Anyways, I have been wanting to write this entry for a while, but didn't want people to think I was overly consumed with death and Heaven, because that is not the case- I just have been changed. My perspective is different, and that changes the way I choose to live. I will get more into that later. :) Thanks for reading! I'll write more soon! I'm feeling I might be coming upon some more pretty deep entries soon. Later~
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