Seeking Perfection...

This past week I have read a couple articles on the church, and it's quest for perfection. I have seen, time and time again, people being paralyzed by their fear of the future- seeking God's perfect will for their life, along with trying to fit the mold of the "perfect" Christian- which is not even possible. We have to all come to terms with the fact that we are sinful, broken, and ugly people to our core. We are not able to function in this world without constantly coming to God and asking for forgiveness. We also cannot figure out God's will for our lives in some little neatly tied package- it will be revealed to us in it's entirety at the end of our lives. We just have to live day to day, and let him sanctify us-it's a slow process though. "Progressive sanctification" is what this is called. I just listened to a sermon by Matt Chandler on his Podcast about this. The name of the Podcast was called: "Ultimate Authority (Pt 4): Confronting the Mess"- in case you are interested in listening to it.

We have to "confront the mess" and realize that we are all broken people, and have to strive to draw closer to Him, day by day. Each morning we have new grace, new mercies. But, we should be longing and desiring His presence in our lives to complete us. Sometimes He has to break us down to nothing in order for us to allow Him to build us back up and put us back together. He humbles us. My pastor at my home church, Tim, talked about being humbled tonight. We are not supposed to be perfect beings, because if we were- we would gain too much pride, and not focus on glorifying HIM. We would be glorifying ourselves.

Anyways, I pray that every day this week I rest in contemplation on the fact that His mercies are new every morning, and that He will heal and forgive me for the sinful nature that seeps out of me. But, I always pray He strengthens me and molds me into a more mature Christian woman. I want to know Him better. I am trying really hard to focus on that, but it's easy to get caught up in distractions- like career, or friends, dating, etc. We all have some type of distraction. As soon as you can figure out what is keeping you from drawing closer to Him, try to distance yourself from it. I have realized that I am filled with a fear of being lonely or alone. It's extremely hard for me to sit still and be to myself. But, I am finding this solitude is extremely important in my growth as a Christian, because those are the times I can be alone with GOD and pray! Or meditate on scripture. I have really, honestly, been lacking in reading the Bible lately, and I need desperately to get filled with the Word again. So, I am praying for that passion to read the Word to come over me.

Here's the verse I was talking about above...

"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." -Lamentations 3:22-23

Off to bed! Night!

Quote about Need-Love, Gift-Love, and Appreciative Love- 3 out of the 4 Loves C.S. Lewis talks about in "The Four Loves"

I need to read this book (The Four Loves-C.S. Lewis)!! Thanks to my friend Reed for sharing this quote on his blog, In The Shadow of the Rockies http://shadowoftherockies.blogspot.com/ He has some other good entries you should check out.

The quote:
"Need-love cries to God from our poverty; Gift-love longs to serve, or even to suffer for, God; Appreciative love says: 'We give thanks to thee for thy great glory.' Need-love says of a woman 'I cannot live without her'; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection - if possible, wealth; Appreciative love gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all." - C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

My analysis of it:
I've realized that "Need-Love" is a REALLY really bad thing. I feel like I have succumb to that over and over again in my life. I NEED love, just as much as the next person. But, to "need" love in the most desperate, longing way- pining after love itself, is never a good thing. It's human though, and I guess what C.S. Lewis is saying is that we should cry to GOD from our poverty- when we need this love. He will supply us with the love we need. But, going to another person for it- that's idolization of that person, and almost using them for it. I know that might be a bit dramatic sounding..but, it's true. We need to get to the point in our "love lives" that we don't beg and beg for love, but instead, give the GIFT of love, and are appreciative of the love we DO have. We have been given so much, just through HIS salvation (and of course this beautiful world that was created just for us). What more could we ask for?

I AM WHO I AM..

Many times I am brought back to this verse, in Exodus 3:14 about God being the Great I AM. It's really weird that this was the devo for today, since a couple days ago I was just talking about this!! :) This is a sweet message to me that God wanted me to hear. I mean, it was already on my heart, and in my mind, and all of a sudden I read my e-mail for the daily devo- and here it is AGAIN! I think God wants to engrain into my system that He just IS. His existance is enough. I don't have to over-analyze Him or try to understand Him- or try to understand His purpose for me in this world. Yes, He definitely has a purpose for all things, but we can rest in knowing that since He is omnipresent and omniscient (He is everywhere AND knows all) we don't have to worry about a single thing. We don't have to try to figure out our path..it will just happen if we let Him work in us, if we hand it all over to Him and trust Him. And- why are we being selfish with it, anyways?? Sure, we all want to have successful careers, marriages, happiness, etc.- but if HE chooses to strip those things from us, that is because He wants to fill us with HIM and not all these other worldly things. All those things are given to us solely that we would turn back to Him and glorify Him, saying "look at what HE's done- and what HE's given me- He is beautiful and amazing and wonderful".. We should be able to love Him regardless of the things He's given though. In the stripping away and taking away, we should still come back to the fact that He is GOOD. He loves us, and that is enough. :)

So, read this devo from today entitled "Trust His Character". It's great...

Trust His Character
Day 202

How do you perceive God? Who is He to you?

"Get solidly in your mind who God is," said Dr. E. V. Hill. "He is not a smart man somewhere who finished from Yale or Harvard who is trying to figure out day-to-day problems for people. . . . He is the eternal I AM. He is the eternal last word. And He is love.

"So when He does something or permits something to happen, you are the one who has to wade through all of this human thinking of what God should have done. God is the Answer. It has been my experience that if you continue to have faith and continue to stay at your post, God somehow will explain it to you. He doesn't have to, but I've seen it over and over. I've seen people come up to me and say, 'Pastor, it's been a long time, but I'm beginning to see now. I'm beginning to see.'"

God is the answer to every question and every need.

"God said to Moses, 'I AM WHO I AM'; and He said, 'Thus you shall say to the sons of Israel, I AM has sent me to you'" (Exodus 3:14 nasb).

The New American Standard Study Bible (Zondervan 1999) explains that "I AM WHO I AM" in Exodus 3:14 is the name that expresses God's character as the dependable and faithful God who desires the full trust of His people.

God, I want to know You and trust You as the eternal I AM. May I find security and rest in this all-encompassing aspect of your character. Amen.

Devo from GriefShare e-mails I've been getting the last year and a half...

I've been getting these GriefShare e-mails for the past year and a half..well, approaching two years. I feel like I am still working on my Grief over my Dad, and it is a continual healing process. I have so many questions that are unanswered, and many times I am left with this empty, seeking, searching feeling. Do you know what feeling I am talking about? You feel like the answer, or whatever it is that will make you "complete" is out there in the world somewhere, and you're doing everything to find that "completion"- that peace that comes from understanding. But, the thing about the verse about peace that comes up to me time and time again, is that God wants to give you a peace that SURPASSES all understanding (Phil. 4:7). That means that when we have that PEACE from HIM, we will NOT understand it. It's not finite and something to be grasped intellectually, etc. It's just something that IS. He is the great "I AM". Just knowing HIM and having a relationship with HIM is all we need, and all that will ever satisfy us. Nothing in this world can ever fill us, every bit of it will let us down. Only God can fill and complete us, and give us what we need- we have to cling onto Him and hold tightly to His promises. He is our Savior, our Redeemer, our Rescuer, our Abba, Father! :) Amen.

Now, read the Devo where these thoughts sprung from..

He Gives Himself
Day 199

Because God sees your real need, He wants to give you an answer far better than the answers you seek. You may demand reasons and explanations, but what you need is something more—you need the Lord.

"For in him we live and move and have our being" (Acts 17:28).

Think about the astounding reality of this Bible verse. God is all-sufficient for you. Your very being is in Him. You need Him for survival; you do not need answers.

Joni Eareckson Tada says, "Because God is at the center of the universe holding it all together, and because everything in Him moves and breathes and has its being, He can do no more than give Himself. To do anything less is to be less than Himself. Why seek pat, dry, formulized answers when you can actually receive the flesh-and-blood reality of the love of God?"

God would not be God if He were not sufficient for everyone.

God of life, I need You. My loved ones need You. Help me to place You first and ask questions only after I have done so. Amen.

Teaching ...1,270 students

Okay, so I'm doing a blog entry on a very BROAD category, and that is TEACHING!!! :) This is officially my FIFTH year of teaching. But, that is very general. Let me be more specific. This is my SECOND year of teaching in a REGULAR Public School, and my FOURTH year of teaching ART to Elementary Kids! :) The year previous to the four years of teaching Art, I was an Assistant Teacher at a Montessori in Rice Village.

Anyways, amongst these years of teaching, I have managed to find opportunities to teach in OTHER countries- TWICE!! I got to teach VBS at a school in Silk Grass, Belize in the summer of 2008. Then, for the summer of 2010, I got to teach English as a Second Langauge (ESL) in Pinghu, China!!! I am officially a teacher both nationally, and INTERNATIONALLY!! :)

I wish I had kept track of the exact number of kids I have taught, just because it is really starting to build up. At the Montessori I taught 30 Pre-K through Kinder kids, at Harmony I taught 600 the first year, and 650 the next year. Since a lot of those were the same kids the next year, I'll just say there might've been 100 new ones.... So far, the count is 750. You add in the HISD school, and that was around 200 last year and about 100 new ones this year. Add in 120 Chinese kids from Pinghu Middle School, and 100 kids from Silk Grass..the GRAND TOTAL: 1,270 (or something around that..I'm bad at math)

And I'm not even counting Summer Camps! ;) If I added in the Catholic Summer camps (there were 2- hundreds of kids at each!) and the Gifted School I worked at one summer (maybe 30- it was tiny)..I'd get close to 1,500!! :)

I guess if you teach Elementary Art long enough, you'll get WELL into the THOUSANDS pretty fast! :)

What have I learned through teaching around 1,500 kids? Well, first of all- they have been a wide age range- from 3 years old, all the way up to 15 years old. They have been very International (since I'm from a place like Houston). They have been in Private, Charter AND Public schools. They have been from varying socio-economic backgrounds- all the way from SUPER rich Rice Village kids whose parents are lawyers, doctors and professors at Rice, to the poorest of poor in Belize and even in China.

It has been an amazing, whirlwind trip. I have enjoyed it all. I have definitely had my times where it was what you call a "love-hate" relationship..and I have been ALONE for THREE out of the past FOUR years (this is currently year #5). And when I say ALONE- I mean the SOLE Adult body in the classroom, responsible for anywhere between 10-40 kids AND- THE LONE ART TEACHER (most Elementary schools only have ONE Art Teacher)! I have come up with HUNDREDS of Art Lessons, and have cleaned up SO much junk off my floors, my tables, my counters, my WALLS, and even from the blinds and behind furniture. Oh, and I've also wiped noses, cleaned up throw up, and a myriad of other things... (broke up a few fights..)

Let me tell you, I've really been through it.

But, what I think I've come to realize after ALL OF THIS. I'm a pretty darn good teacher. ;) And, someday..I'm going to be a REALLY GOOD MOM! :)

I thank God for all these experiences, that have definitely broadened my horizons. And I hope He continues to mold me into a good teacher. It's a non-stop learning process. You can only get better and better each year. :) You NEVER reach a peak in teaching. The teachers in their 50s are still learning, even though they're about to retire. That's one thing that's interesting about it- is it NEVER gets dull or boring. There is always a new challenge.

So, if you want a job that's NEVER boring. Become a teacher. But, don't blame me when you're EXTREMELY exhausted and worn out- and NONE of your family or friends understands how you could be SO tired. :) A lot of them sit behind desks day after day, staring at a computer, crunching numbers- or doing something that is STILL VERY CHALLENGING- but, they don't know EXACTLY what it means to be a teacher, until they have stepped into a classroom and tried to be that teacher. :)

Alright. Going to step off my teacher soap box. ;)
Later~ Give hugs to all the teachers you know..and tell them "thanks" for all they do for the kids in your community!! :)

" 'Til Death Do Us Part...' " (quick update..and then marriage post)

So, I've been back at school for a month, and it's already been a pretty stressful year. The last two weeks have been spent car shopping, and I bought two cars, and obviously returned one- because I cannot afford two cars haha.. The first car I bought was a 2009 Toyota RAV4 and it was from Carmax, and my mom made me take it to the auto mechanic to have it checked out, and turns out they lied to us about the Car Fax report. It had TRANSMISSION problems, and had to be returned a few days after buying it. :( Anyways, I did more research, etc. and realized I could buy a BRAND NEW car for only a couple thousand dollars more, and have the manufacturer's warranty, and the reliance of knowing it's never been used. So, that's what I did exactly a week later, Monday, Sept. 13th, a day that will go down in history as the first time I got a loan!! ;) Haha..I'm a REAL adult now. I guess... (oh, it's a 2010 RAV4-almost identical..just newer and charcoal gray instead of black)....

What's making me feel like a "real adult" is the fact TWO of my BEST middle school friends will be getting married in the next year and a half!!!!! I knew, knew, KNEW the day was coming for both these girls. I also have always envisioned having the two of them as bridesmaids in my own future wedding, and lo-and-behold, they have both asked me to be a bridesmaid in THEIR weddings. :) I'm super stoked about it, because I've NEVER been a bridesmaid!! I always thought maybe I was really lame and not good at helping with weddings or something, but then I realized it was because none of my best BEST friends had gotten married yet. All my girl friends have been very wise, and have stuck to focusing on their careers instead of boys. So, now that they are starting to have the career thing figured out, they are now getting married. I'm very proud of them for all these accomplishments in their life, and I can't wait to celebrate with them the commitment they are making to their future husbands on their special day. :)

Now, all these things- cars and marriage, brings me to a lot of my own thoughts on life. I am not the kind of person who can sit and watch new things happen and not somehow get introspective and think about what I would someday want for my own life. I think God is gently tapping me on the shoulder and this is what He's saying "Hey, Audrey- all your best friends are finally getting married- the day has come that you are no longer TOO young or immature to make these decisions, because all your friends are taking that big leap of faith, meaning YOU, TOO are capable of doing it...." Anyways, this is what I hear God saying to me. ;) I think a lot of my hold ups in life lately, have been due to me not wanting to say "goodbye" to an Era of my life. This Era is the single, carefree, fun, world-traveling, liberated Audrey that was created over the last couple of years, to escape many of life's worries...

I have dug deep deep DEEP into myself, during my contemplation and introspection, and realized that my World-traveling has been somewhat of an escape mechanism from my worries & woes. I was consumed in a combination of fear, anxiety, numbness and grief from about 3 year's worth of pain from the loss of my Dad- and what led up to the loss of my Dad. I thought about it tonight during worship at church, and realized that the combination of the Anticipatory Grief and then the Actual Grief and the anxiety that came from it took about 3 years of my life. The peace and joy that I had had previous to that was set aside for a while, and I was just CONSUMED with this pain. I feel like the last few months, God used a series of small events to make me RELAX and take a chill pill. He has given me these incredible experiences in both China and Mexico- and they were both places that I'd always wanted to go- but, the strange thing, is I didn't feel like a tourist in those places like I normally feel in various countries. I just felt like the journeys there were an extension of my adventurous life here. The adventures I have here in Houston are just as exciting. The love I feel for my family and friends are just as amazing and incredible. The women I met in China changed my life, and the Chinese kids did, too..but, I meet amazing people here in Houston, Texas, and I meet amazing people in Wimberley, and in all the other places I go. I have realized that it is all a journey, and it is all a gift. God gave me these gifts in these wonderful places overseas, but He is going to continue to give me gifts here in the good ol' US of A! The gift giving doesn't just suddenly STOP when you entire into the US border. Haha..and for some reason, I thought that each time I arrived back here, I would be consumed with pain and sorrow again. Isn't that silly? I was trying to escape. Well, guess what?? My pain went with me to China. I was there long enough this time, in another country, that the pain was able to follow me there. I was able to cry on a few buses when nobody was looking. I was able to mourn the loss of my Dad as I looked out of my bus window onto the Shanghai skyline. I cried when I met an amazing man named David who lives in DC, and his wife just discovered a brain tumor and has had surgery to remove it, and now I'm keeping up with his blog as she recovers. I cried because he reminded me of my Dad in many ways, and I even told him that.

God just keeps bringing me reminders of my Dad-everywhere I go, and keeps telling me that the pain is not ever going to completely subside and leave my side. He is making me realize that this pain is going to be attached to me as long as I live here on this Earth. That I will carry it as my burden..BUT, God reminds me that He can help me carry my burdens. He can even carry me when the load gets too heavy. He wants me to rest in Him and in His care. He wants me to give my anxieties and worries over to Him...

The way this all ties back into marriage is- I am scared to be committed to SOMEONE. Someone who is going to just die and wither away like my DAD. I miss my Dad so inceredibly much, and I cannot imagine adding another person to my life who may just as quickly leave me. I feel like my Dad left me, and even though that is completely ridiculous and silly- part of it is true. I have realized how fragile this life is. And, one startling thing I've realized is- whoever you're married to is someone you are bound to " 'Til Death Do Us Part.' " My mom's gravesite is already engraved with her name and her birthday with a dash that leads up to her day of death, which is obviously still empty. But, what I find sometimes daunting about this all--is, whoever I choose to marry, I ultimately choose to die and go to Heaven with (well, not sure if married couples are together in Heaven-not sure how that works), but I want to choose that person to live and die with well...I want to choose someone who I will feel comfortable having by my side in my last few moments of life. Not only during those last breaths, but also during the most important moments- such as the birth(s?) of all my children. I want to choose the right person to stand by my side as I struggle to have those kids-hopefully there will be more than one. There are two things for sure in life- joy and pain...life and death..and I just want to make sure I make the right decision. You only have ONE chance to do it right. :)

So, I'm praying right now for God to give me peace, strength, wisdom, and guidance in this area. And, confidence to boldly go in the right direction once I know which one to go. :)
This is all I can write for now..sorry it got so deep. :)

Putting this year into Perspective- from my teaching experiences in China..to today's teaching in America!! :)

Hey everyone! :) I am leaving for work in a few minutes. It's is 6:52 am on Monday, August 23rd, and this is a day that I have been anticipating this year. I feel like this year is completely different from the past 3 years I've taught. Yes, I'm in Houston still, I'm teaching the same subject- Elementary Art, and I think I'm a pretty great Art Teacher (although, many times- my discipline isn't very good- and that translates into "classroom management"). Anyways, I feel that my perspective on teaching and a lot of the way I view the world and children, and people in general, has changed dramatically based on my past Summer! I got the amazing privilege of teaching English to 120 high school freshman for two weeks in Pinghu, China, an hour from Shanghai. Yes, although this job could just sound kind of glamorous or exciting, it was more than that.

It taught me to really lean into God for my teaching, and every area of my life. I had to let go of all the stresses that were surrounding me back home, and any stress or anxiety over teaching English to kids who had only taken English for 3 years, and who I thought were going to look at me like I was a "stupid American". Anyways, I think that I impressed these kids with my love and caring towards their learning. I don't think they've experienced a teacher who has smiled at them a lot, made them laugh, and helped them ENJOY learning English. A lot of the kids told me that they didn't like speaking English before, but because of me, they started to ENJOY speaking and practicing their English. They told me that it could be FUN to learn, and that I helped teach them that. I will have to type up some more of their letters, when I get a chance. But, reading each and every single one of their letters really encouraged me, and has helped me have the correct perspective this year. I know that my "classroom management" and discipline is important, but I also think that if I can truly show all my students that I care for them and their learning, and that I want them to ENJOY art first and foremost, then they will probably want to behave in my class.

It's definitely different than China, where I had amazingly disciplined and motivated kids who have had it engrained into their heads that they MUST be successful, because that is what their country stands for. BUT, regardless- I learned in China, that I am actually a WONDERFUL teacher. And, I need to let go of any slight imperfections I have and realize that what matters is my excitement over my subject, and my knowledge of it..and if I can truly share that insight and EXCITE then I can change my kids here in America for the better. Kids in America need to see a teacher who is passionate about something. They need to find some of that passion for themselves. So, that is my goal. I want them to be able to express themselves, and to find a love for art just simply because it allows them to do that. I want them to learn about cultures around the World who express themselves through Art. I want them to know how important Art is for this. Art is a means of expression, when often times you cannot find the words to express yourself- painting or using clay or any other medium is a means of expression when words are not enough. :)

Well, gotta get going! But, I hope every single teacher has a great year! :) Everyone who is not a teacher, please pray for us all as we start out our school year. I know you might not think our jobs are hard, but trust me- they are. Harder than you can imagine. Emotionally exhausting. But, even if you do not understand it, please pray for us- for us to reach the kids. Because it's about the kids, not the teachers. :) Thanks! :)