" 'Til Death Do Us Part...' " (quick update..and then marriage post)

So, I've been back at school for a month, and it's already been a pretty stressful year. The last two weeks have been spent car shopping, and I bought two cars, and obviously returned one- because I cannot afford two cars haha.. The first car I bought was a 2009 Toyota RAV4 and it was from Carmax, and my mom made me take it to the auto mechanic to have it checked out, and turns out they lied to us about the Car Fax report. It had TRANSMISSION problems, and had to be returned a few days after buying it. :( Anyways, I did more research, etc. and realized I could buy a BRAND NEW car for only a couple thousand dollars more, and have the manufacturer's warranty, and the reliance of knowing it's never been used. So, that's what I did exactly a week later, Monday, Sept. 13th, a day that will go down in history as the first time I got a loan!! ;) Haha..I'm a REAL adult now. I guess... (oh, it's a 2010 RAV4-almost identical..just newer and charcoal gray instead of black)....

What's making me feel like a "real adult" is the fact TWO of my BEST middle school friends will be getting married in the next year and a half!!!!! I knew, knew, KNEW the day was coming for both these girls. I also have always envisioned having the two of them as bridesmaids in my own future wedding, and lo-and-behold, they have both asked me to be a bridesmaid in THEIR weddings. :) I'm super stoked about it, because I've NEVER been a bridesmaid!! I always thought maybe I was really lame and not good at helping with weddings or something, but then I realized it was because none of my best BEST friends had gotten married yet. All my girl friends have been very wise, and have stuck to focusing on their careers instead of boys. So, now that they are starting to have the career thing figured out, they are now getting married. I'm very proud of them for all these accomplishments in their life, and I can't wait to celebrate with them the commitment they are making to their future husbands on their special day. :)

Now, all these things- cars and marriage, brings me to a lot of my own thoughts on life. I am not the kind of person who can sit and watch new things happen and not somehow get introspective and think about what I would someday want for my own life. I think God is gently tapping me on the shoulder and this is what He's saying "Hey, Audrey- all your best friends are finally getting married- the day has come that you are no longer TOO young or immature to make these decisions, because all your friends are taking that big leap of faith, meaning YOU, TOO are capable of doing it...." Anyways, this is what I hear God saying to me. ;) I think a lot of my hold ups in life lately, have been due to me not wanting to say "goodbye" to an Era of my life. This Era is the single, carefree, fun, world-traveling, liberated Audrey that was created over the last couple of years, to escape many of life's worries...

I have dug deep deep DEEP into myself, during my contemplation and introspection, and realized that my World-traveling has been somewhat of an escape mechanism from my worries & woes. I was consumed in a combination of fear, anxiety, numbness and grief from about 3 year's worth of pain from the loss of my Dad- and what led up to the loss of my Dad. I thought about it tonight during worship at church, and realized that the combination of the Anticipatory Grief and then the Actual Grief and the anxiety that came from it took about 3 years of my life. The peace and joy that I had had previous to that was set aside for a while, and I was just CONSUMED with this pain. I feel like the last few months, God used a series of small events to make me RELAX and take a chill pill. He has given me these incredible experiences in both China and Mexico- and they were both places that I'd always wanted to go- but, the strange thing, is I didn't feel like a tourist in those places like I normally feel in various countries. I just felt like the journeys there were an extension of my adventurous life here. The adventures I have here in Houston are just as exciting. The love I feel for my family and friends are just as amazing and incredible. The women I met in China changed my life, and the Chinese kids did, too..but, I meet amazing people here in Houston, Texas, and I meet amazing people in Wimberley, and in all the other places I go. I have realized that it is all a journey, and it is all a gift. God gave me these gifts in these wonderful places overseas, but He is going to continue to give me gifts here in the good ol' US of A! The gift giving doesn't just suddenly STOP when you entire into the US border. Haha..and for some reason, I thought that each time I arrived back here, I would be consumed with pain and sorrow again. Isn't that silly? I was trying to escape. Well, guess what?? My pain went with me to China. I was there long enough this time, in another country, that the pain was able to follow me there. I was able to cry on a few buses when nobody was looking. I was able to mourn the loss of my Dad as I looked out of my bus window onto the Shanghai skyline. I cried when I met an amazing man named David who lives in DC, and his wife just discovered a brain tumor and has had surgery to remove it, and now I'm keeping up with his blog as she recovers. I cried because he reminded me of my Dad in many ways, and I even told him that.

God just keeps bringing me reminders of my Dad-everywhere I go, and keeps telling me that the pain is not ever going to completely subside and leave my side. He is making me realize that this pain is going to be attached to me as long as I live here on this Earth. That I will carry it as my burden..BUT, God reminds me that He can help me carry my burdens. He can even carry me when the load gets too heavy. He wants me to rest in Him and in His care. He wants me to give my anxieties and worries over to Him...

The way this all ties back into marriage is- I am scared to be committed to SOMEONE. Someone who is going to just die and wither away like my DAD. I miss my Dad so inceredibly much, and I cannot imagine adding another person to my life who may just as quickly leave me. I feel like my Dad left me, and even though that is completely ridiculous and silly- part of it is true. I have realized how fragile this life is. And, one startling thing I've realized is- whoever you're married to is someone you are bound to " 'Til Death Do Us Part.' " My mom's gravesite is already engraved with her name and her birthday with a dash that leads up to her day of death, which is obviously still empty. But, what I find sometimes daunting about this all--is, whoever I choose to marry, I ultimately choose to die and go to Heaven with (well, not sure if married couples are together in Heaven-not sure how that works), but I want to choose that person to live and die with well...I want to choose someone who I will feel comfortable having by my side in my last few moments of life. Not only during those last breaths, but also during the most important moments- such as the birth(s?) of all my children. I want to choose the right person to stand by my side as I struggle to have those kids-hopefully there will be more than one. There are two things for sure in life- joy and pain...life and death..and I just want to make sure I make the right decision. You only have ONE chance to do it right. :)

So, I'm praying right now for God to give me peace, strength, wisdom, and guidance in this area. And, confidence to boldly go in the right direction once I know which one to go. :)
This is all I can write for now..sorry it got so deep. :)