A blog about turning 30..

Everyone writes a blog about turning thirty. Well, a lot of my friends have at least. I haven't written a blog entry since May of 2011! I feel like so much has happened since that time, two years and seven months later. Even more has happened since December of 2003 when I turned a mere twenty. I feel like I need to write about an entire decade. The ten years of my twenties were where I slowly and gradually, albeit somewhat painfully transformed from a naive and carefree girl to a much more wise, most of the time confident woman.

The first three years of my twenties were perfect it seemed. I lived in San Marcos, the most ideal and picturesque college town in the Texas hill country where a crystal clear river runs through the college campus. I was immersed in Art and Design classes and took the occasional Scuba, Tennis or Dance class. My college life was definitely not stressful. I was supremely blessed to be majoring in Graphic Design and not have to work part time jobs to put myself through (thanks to my hard working parents!). Also, I had my high school sweetheart boyfriend of four years down the road in Austin. I imagined graduating college, moving to Austin, getting married at twenty-two and having a family by my mid-twenties after teaching art for a few years. God had a different plan that was much bigger than Andrew & I and our little ideas for our lives.

At twenty-two, I had a graphic design internship right out of college in Austin and was fired from it! Who gets fired from an internship? Well, apparently it happens. I took it as a sign that I shouldn't do graphic design. I didn't really enjoy it anyways. Sitting at a computer all day was not my cup of tea. I moved home to Houston immediately (it was August of 2006) with the goal of becoming an Alternatively certified art teacher. I had worked at a summer camp teaching art to kids through a church and loved it. I wanted to change lives through art. I had a plan to stay in Houston for one year while getting certified and working at a private Montessori preschool, then move back to Austin for Fall of 2007. Well, who knew one year in Houston would turn into six years?

My dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colorectal Cancer that had metastasized to his liver in December of 2006. My parents didn't tell us this, but I guess the twenty two year old version of me was pretty wise, and could tell that all of those scientific words strung together equalled a bleak future, also known as a "death sentence." I straight up researched online "stage 4 colorectal cancer life expectancy." All the webpages said twelve months. I was very realistic and knew the next year would probably not end well. I never told my parents that I had researched this and remained somewhat hopeful through their hopes. My dad was extremely positive and never once mentioned that he was given a "death sentence", instead he clung to his faith and the fact that God has healed countless others through miracles. I wish that I had been as hopeful as he was sincerely, but deep down I just knew I needed to prepare spiritually for the worst. Unfortunately, I don't think I ever was prepared for the day he passed away, which was February 17, 2008. That day forever changed me and my entire makeup.

In the months prior to his death a lot of life changing things happened. Andrew moved from Austin to Houston to be with me while he died, and honestly from that moment I knew Andrew would be my husband someday. Evan finished his first semester of college at Texas A&M and I had started my first public school art teacher job. Everyone was living their lives as fully as possible and even though there was a severely huge and grief soaked "elephant in the room", we tried to not dwell on the fact my dad was soon dying. When the doctors at MD Anderson finally said there was nothing else they could do, two weeks prior to his death, we finally acknowledged as a family that this was really happening. We let the grief come into our home as my dad peacefully passed away. The day and weeks following his death were actually the most peaceful times. God granted us some sort of surreal peace for that time. It wasn't until months later that the grief took a harder turn, at least for me.

I was mostly numb. For some reason it was hard for me to cry. When I was finally able to cry, it came up in wailing tears, and I physically had symptoms from the grief. At about a year out from his death, the grief was so bad that it manifested itself in anxiety, trouble eating and stomach issues. I had decided to live at home a year after his death to be with my mom and at the end of that year I got an apartment down the street from her. I just couldn't imagine moving far away from her yet. So, here I was in 2010 finally, two years out from my father's death, still in the midst of my grief and I had broken up with Andrew a few months prior. I finally made a conscious decision in February of 2010 to just be done feeling sorry for myself and continuing my grief. I planned to go on a mission trip to China and I felt that I would be over my grief and ready to fully live by then (and make a decision about whether to get back together with Andrew or not). From the fall of 2010 to spring of 2011, I feel I was able to finally truly heal and move on from the weight of the grief. I finally decided to just commit to Andrew and trust that he and I would finally get married. He proposed in December of 2011. God had finally brought my life full circle, and I was preparing to move to Austin and finally be married to the one whom I wanted to be married to in Austin six years prior. I guess God just had some breaking down and readjusting to do in my heart.

Although I know the grief is still there, it does not consume me or make me feel sick. I know life is going to have it's ups and downs. I am currently living in the happiest and most settled time of my life, but I know all too well that the sudden loss of a loved one can change that feeling all too easily. I have learned that you need to take life one day at a time and be truly grateful each day for everyone you have in your presence. All the people who are in my life make me a stronger and better person, but I also know that ultimately, your strength comes from God and you need to lean into Him more than anyone else. Every other relationship in your life can come and go, but your relationship with God lasts forever. He will never leave your side. Even though my dad didn't intentionally leave me, sometimes it felt like it. I think these are important lessons to learn before marriage, at least for me, because now I don't cling so tightly to Andrew. I know that he adds strength and beauty to my life, but I know that my relationship with him should come second to my relationship with God. Andrew and I can build each other up, but we should be building each other up to ultimately reach God.

We got married August 11, 2012 and it's amazing to see how much I learned between February 17, 2008 and then. Five and a half years of immense change and transition. Now I'm thirty and have been married almost a year and a half. I feel like I am a much more mature woman, ready to face everything my thirties brings. Hopefully it brings a couple pregnancies and children, but I am enjoying however long Andrew and I have together as "just us." I have been blessed in my life and am filled with so much gratitude for all that God has given me.

Here's to 2014, and being THIRTY!!!